mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need to calm my uterus...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
