I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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