By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
