good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
