Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
