this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
