I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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