i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
