I'm going to jail i love you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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