I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
