i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
