my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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