Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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