Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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