I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Couch. On fire.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
