Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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