If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
