life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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