five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
