tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Pants are for mortals
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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