I could have mohawked her pubes.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
