When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
