he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
