Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
