I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
