Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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