i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am one with the molecules
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
