she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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