i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
