the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
