i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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