we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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