i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
