the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
