how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
the raccoons are back...
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