this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
