I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
