Christians are straight up FREAKS
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
