When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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