i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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