I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
