I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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