i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
