There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
