I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I could fuck to npr.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
