my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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