So gin and wine won't be happening again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
