Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
