I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I AM VODKA MAN
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
