here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
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I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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