If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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