My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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